Don't Rain On Our Parade

While this post would usually be a lenghty Bachelor recap, I have other things on my mind today. However, I will quickly, and I mean very quickly, touch on Monday's events...

- It's official, Jake is without penis
- Gia's boobs are amazing
- Tenley, while very attractive, is way too dull and boring
- Vienna is a gargoyle, and she's just a weird girl. She's not cool, not funny, and certainly not endearing. Tenley is void of personality but she's at least a nice, polite girl.
- My prediction of this week's rose ceremony was correct *patting self on back*
- Vienna will win.
- Watch out for the Ali factor. In the name of ratings and entertainment she could make some sort of comeback down the road when Jake realizes that Vienna is a joke.
- Ali or Tenley = the next Bachelorette.

Alright on to something that's caught my attention over the past few days. People slamming they city of Vancouver and the 2010 Winter Olympic Games.

This is where our Canadian politeness and graciousness need to take a major backseat and we tell the world to STFU already. That means Shut the Fuck Up for those who don't know. I guess I could've just written that, oh well. Anyways...

The London Free Press did a little piece on the Vancouver games possibly being the worst games ever. Somehow they had the nerve to cite the rainy weather as being a major problem. I saw some British tard saying how it looks pretty bad to the rest of the world when the Winter Games are being held in a city with warm and rainy weather. Another factor being the tragic death of the Georgian luge athlete, where many critics are blaming the poor track design and safety precautions for the young man's death.

Here were my initial reactions to this.

A) London, England looking down upon the rainy Vancouver weather? Are you shitting me? London, England? Doesn't it rain there every other day? Give me a break. I hope a giant freak unstoppable hurricane somehow makes its way up the Atlantic and hits London for the 2012 Summer Games.

B) Munich, 1972. That's it. 11 Isreali athletes and coaches killed by terrorists during the Summer Games. If you don't know the whole story read this. Or go rent the movie which tells the story of the aftermath of those events. You want to talk about deaths in the Olympic games? Start there. The death of the Georgian athlete was obviously terrible. I don't want to sound insensitive but we can't just blame the organizers here. He was an inexperienced luger who did not even compete at the same level as most of his competitors in this event. A few thousand runs have been made down Vancouver course and this is the first time anything close to this magnitude has taken place. It is extremely unfortunate and sad, but it should not be a reason to bash this event as a whole.

OK, one more thing. I've lost a lot of respect for Rick Reilly as a sports writer in the past year or so. For those of you who don't know Rick Reilly, he's a highly acclaimed sports writer, former columnist for Sports Illustrated and now for ESPN.

I haven't read much Reilly since he left SI, and, in my opinion his work has sucked balls since he left. I've read his last couple columns (Column 1, Column 2) which are attempts at poking fun at Canadian stereotypes and such, but to me he just comes off sounding like the stereotypical arrogant American. Some of the stuff he goes for just isn't even funny, nor accurate (apparently we say "arse" instead of "butt"). In his second column he offers up the old "I was just kidding, don't be so sensitive" card, then proceeds to slam the opening ceremonies among other things.

If you're gonna do an article making digs at another country's culture quirks, it's gotta be accurate and at least moderately funny, otherwise you better expect some backlash. And there's nothing worse than the "I was just kidding" play. No one likes the guy who throws daggers and then backs off when people get a little offended.

Come on, Rick. You're better than that.

If You Don't Read This Post I'm Gonna Be Doing Backflips!

I don't really have much to say about the events that transpired on this week's episode of The Bachelor.

I thought it was easily the worst episode thus far. Just a complete overload of Jake being soft and the ladies being totally nuts. The grandmother spirit thing with Ali was just so over the top and Tenley's dance was just ridiculous. I was speechless after that performance and she immediately went into Vienna status. Meaning she fell 100 levels in my books, at least.

Ali leaving at the end was the most lame thing I've seen in a while when it comes to reality television. The simple choice is to go home and go to work if you have to. If he really wants to he'll get in touch with you later and you can get back to the love business. Done deal. Making that choice isnt nearly as difficult as she made it out to be. At least it shouldn't be.

Tenley's dance was ridiculous. End of story.

Can they make Tenley's ex-husband's image any worse? They make this guy sound like a complete douchebag all the time and I bet he's not even a bad guy at all. In fact, when Jake said he was the exact opposite of her ex I instantly came to to the conclusion that the ex would be one of the coolest guys ever.

I don't even remember what Vienna was doing in this episode because I probably changed the channel. I remember her Dad looking like a real winner though. Also, I love the Dads out there who still refer to there grown ass daughter as their little princess to their prospective boyfriends. Let's cut the fairy tale stuff at 18 or something. Your daughter's boyfriend doesn't want to think of her as your "little princess" when he's doing the no pants dance with her.

Gia's whole family meeting was alright I guess. I also heard that her brother is being cast for season 2 of Jersey Shore. What a plug that guy was.

Quote of the season so far (paraphrasing here): "If Ali decides to leave I'll be so upset I'll be doing backflips." - Jake

Come on, Ned Flanders. Backflips?

Oh yeah, one more thing. Was the L-bomb that Ali dropped really that big of a deal? I didn't think so. They pretty much tell each other that they love each other every 10 minutes with the "I'm falling in love with you line". Maybe it's me being a guy but I don't really see the difference. The show even went so far as to subtitle the "I love you" in case we suddenly lost our understanding of the English language.

That's it for Jake and the Gang. I'll throw a prediction out for the rest of the season.

Next week: Vienna and Tenley move on, Gia gets sent home
Finale: Vienna wins

Which is exactly the opposite of what I would do.

I'm a Fuckin Soldier! And I'm Old School...

First I'd like to thank Kellen Winslow, Jr. for inspiring the title for this post (what a loser).

Let's get right to it. I do not watch reality television (First 48 and programs like that are not the same), so I will not be commenting on The Bachelor and the moronic Jersey Shore escapades.

Garbage. Horseshit. Vomit.

These are just a few of the words that come to mind when I think of these shows.
I am an intelligent, educated man and I will not subject myself to the advances of these ludicrous programs that are infiltrating my TV set based mostly on the fact that they can be produced on thye cheap. They don't have to pay actors. They have to pay for talent. Simple.

Now I will admit, I'm somewhat bitter. I've always dreamed about becoming an award winning thespian, so the idea that these people are on TV and in movies with no talent or experience rankles me...

"Oh, The fucking Situation is on television and is making money and then when the shows over will make even more money because of the show...he's on TV but I'm not?"

Can I be famous? Can I make lots of money? Someone help me out here. Why can't Teebs, Goody and Myself be on a show? It'd be funnier than anything out there. Book it!

Anyway, I'm an old school kind of guy. I like watching sports, old Seinfeld and Fresh Prince re-runs and a good ole Catch-the-bad-guy-crime show. Call me old fashioned, but I like watching things that make me say, "Well that's absolutely hilarious. No way I could do that."

I go to the gym, go for a tan and do laundry everyday pal...except I actually do none of those things on a daily basis.
I'm lazy, so no gym there.
I don't tan in the winter that's just silly.
And my girlfriend does my laundry.

But I could do those things! I could...I really could.

On a side note, I love the Leafs trade. Burkie is not fooling around. They won the deal, Phaneuf will step his game up and Giguere will get back to being a very good goalie now that he's re-united with Francois Allaire, his old goaltending coach.

And I like the Colts in the SuperBowl this weekend. I don't like predicting scores, but I think the Saints might be a little too amped up. The Colts, for the most part (and more importantly Peyton Manning) have been there before, so I think Indy takes it.
What? You want a score?...Ok, Ok.

Colts 34
Saints 23

Jake The Snake Needs to Grow a Pair

1. That link in the post below showing Snooki getting absolutely clocked by the drunk guy is mesmerizing. What a shot. I challenge you not to watch that punch 10 times in a row. It's incredible. The guy with the white hat in the back watching the whole thing is great too. The recording cuts off right before his jaw falls off his face.

2. I'd just like to acknowledge the reader comments from my previous post. To Adrienne, there may very well be 9 reasons why I watch Jersey Shore, and "titties" is likely one of those. However, Ed Hardy enjoyment doesn't come anywhere close to cracking the list. A) I don't own a single article of Ed Hardy clothing. B) Seeing as it is adored by guidos, I don't think I'll be hitting up my local retailer anytime soon.

Also, the comment by Mr. or Ms. Anonymous has raised a few questions for me. Popping corn, sitting on a couch and getting my head rubbed sounds like an outstanding trio of events, but who am I doing this with? I'm going to assume either Goody or Nabber, and I would gladly pop corn and get a head rub from either of those 2 fine gentlemen. Please clarify. Also, what is Broke Back Mounting? Never heard of it....

Alright let's move on to what I really came to do...A quick recap of last night's events on the Bachelor.

I could be completely alienating the 10 person fanbase that we've accumulated here but that's just too bad. To those of you who question my sexuality for watching this show, think what you want. Unfortunately, at this point in my life I have no solid evidence to show that I'm not a homosexual. Let's get to it...

First of all, this guy just needs to man up once in a while. There were moments in this episode where Jake could've really showed me that he actually has a pair and instead he just pussies out. For example, during the date with Corrie they come to an absolute standstill in the boat, where she is pretty much begging for him to kiss her without actually saying "Hey, idiot, just lean over here and lay one on me, you pussy." What does he do? He sits there and after an excruciating few moments of silence he says, "I'm about ready for dinner." Nice play.

Sidenote: I didn't even include Corrie on the poll which was made before the show aired. That's how forgettable she was and obviously she paid the price.

Gia is probably the best looking girl on the show and I think Jake knows it. I think if he was asked who he would most like to have sex with it would be her. Hmm, why don't they ask stuff like that? Talk about a ratings booster. Who wouldn't like to see Jake sit down with the host and be questioned about stuff like that? Or, how cool would it be if at this point he had the option to sleep with one of them, but the girl he chooses is immediately eliminated from the show? Would there be any takers there? What are the other consequences if he does take that route? Do the other girls get to know? What a concept.

Who am I kidding, this is the same guy who said something about how he could could curl up with Ali and feel safe with her. Wow. Nevermind, that idea wouldn't even be discussed with Jake.

Speaking of Ali, she's probably got the most personality of any of them. I'd take her with Gia's looks.

Tenley looks to be the frontrunner right now, which is no real surprise as she has about as little personality as Jake does. I'm not really surprised to learn that she's a divorcee. What normal guy would be able to talk about nothing all day, even with a good looking girl like that. I'm also not surprised to see that Jake is into her considering he has no personality to speak of either.

Last, and most certainly least, comes Vienna, who is a sick joke. She's crosseyed for starters, and she's a retard. Bad combo. I've heard rumours that he picks her in the end, which would be the biggest joke of all time. It would suit him though, he'll probably pick her out of fear that she'll kill him or herself if she doesn't get chosen.

That's about all I have for now. If you've been tuning in, great work, let me know what you think of what has transpired so far. If you haven't, get with the program and start watching. I'll probably be back next Tuesday to comment on this matter.

Sloppy Seconds and Fist Pumpin' Like Champs!

I wasn’t going to talk about sports but I think it’s almost impossible not to after the big news out of Leaf Land earlier today. I first heard the news about the Phaneuf trade through sportsnet (yes, I admit I was actually watching this poor excuse of a sports channel). It was early Sunday (around 2pm) and I was just waking up, at first I thought I had dreamt it, the dream involved myself, Dion, Elisha, and those sloppy seconds Sean Avery had referred to last year, let’s just say it was a good dream. Once I finally came to I immediately hopped on the internet and read all about the blockbuster deal that sent Phaneuf, a prospect, and that guy who scored that sweet end to end goal for Phoenix a few years back to Toronto in exchange for Hagman, Stajan, White, and Mayars. There is no doubt that this trade will be analyzed to death by the professionals over the next few weeks/months/ years throughout Toronto/GTA/Ontario/Canada.

I think it is interesting and probably a good deal for the Leafs. They often say whoever gets the best player in the trade is usually the winner, in this case it is Phaneuf. Can’t say the Leafs didn’t win anything this year. The other trade, although not as big, may prove to be more beneficial, not for the fact that the Leafs got a once dominate goaltender in J.S. Giguere, but rather the fact that they got rid of Jason Blake and that stupid contract...oh, and that goalie...Vesa what’s his bucket. As a Leaf fan I guess that I am happy about the trades, here’s hoping there is more retooling this trade deadline and throughout the off season.

Now onto the important stuff, reality television! I, like Tbo, am a huge fan of this garbage, it’s a guilty pleasure. My reality T.V. watching days began many moons ago with such gems as Average Joe’s, Joe Millionaire, Temptation Island, Laguna Beach, and perhaps my favourite; The Joe Schmo Show. I am well aware that most of these programs are mind numbing garbage but it’s just so hard to look away. The more ridiculous they are; the better. Jersey Shore was one of the more memorable reality programs in recent years, I mean, what’s not to love? There were blow outs, fist pumps, teachers punching hobbits, hot tub parties and of course, a duck phone...all of this lead to T.V. gold.

One of the greatest T.V. role models was born during the Jersey Shore...of course I am referring to Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Parents, take notes, this guy is what your child could grow up to become if you continue to use top notch parenting skills. His daily regimen of gym, tan, laundry, or GTL, as many refer to it, is the definition of hard work and determination and is surely a product of a stern, military style upbringing. His self confidence and exquisite sense of style must have been passed down to him from a gentleman of a father. Not to be overlooked is his ability to look for personality in a girl over looks, which must be the reason why he often brought home girls which were less than good looking, this is clearly something that was passed down to him from his mother. He also has great communication skills and knows when not to hit a girl, even if she throws a deadly spinning left hook. One of these days I hope to be like The Situation, being well into my 50’s and living at a house full of 20 something’s that I still consider my peers. I just hope my parents raised me as well as the Sorrentinos.



Jersey Shore has recently been renewed for another season, here is hoping that it will continue to provide us with all things guido, until then I will be watching as Jake picks his fiancé, If he chooses Vienna Sausage over Tetley Tea I am sure you will be reading about it on your favourite blog....