A Slippery Myth

We here at 3 dusters are often too lazy to write anything worth reading so today we are welcoming a guest entry which we think fits in beautifully with what we're all about here on this esteemed blog. This fine tale comes from fellow duster, Mike Giorgi. Enjoy. 

There are many quotations in the western culture that usually go undisputed and unquestioned by the majority of the population. Today I dare to question one pertaining particularly to the sports world, the world of criminal activity, and sometimes those who get caught in the "grey" area in between (not pointing fingers, NFL). This quotation would be the age old warning “don’t drop the soap” when entering the showering facilities.

I, like many of you, have always taken this warning as bible. Yet the oddest thing happened in the YMCA shower today. I know what you all are thinking, “what were you doing at the gym?” I would like to tell you that I did some sort of structured workout that my health will actually benefit from but the truth is I did approximately 3 sets of flat bench, threw in a set of incline and rode the bike next to a girl who will be known as P.F.G (Perfect Face Girl), since she is much too hot to talk to in order to find out her real name, until I finished my bottled water.

Without venturing too far off topic I will resume my story about the events that occurred in the shower. After my “workout” I grabbed my bottle of head and shoulders (give me a break the gym ‘poo is shit), wrapped a towel around myself and entered the showers. The usual suspects were taking part in their cleansing rituals. There was a man of Asian descent wearing a swimming cap, a burly man who (by the looks of the permanent tan from his wife beater) had been in construction for twenty plus years, and a cheerful elder man with a slight hunch and, from his quick nod and “hello”, had an English accent. I took a shower in between the Brit and the Asian man and proceeded to wet and lather. It was time for the shampoo. I popped the blue top off and turned the bottle upside down. 

That’s when it happened. 

I squeezed the bottle and the soap residue on my hands caused the bottle to slip out of them, across the floor and in between the Asian and the hardy construction worker. Neither of them moved to aid me in its recovery (jerks) so I mustered the courage and pursued my lost treasure. I admit, had I thought of it at the time, I would have just bent my knees (even though now that I picture it a guy squatting in the showers is more awkward than what actually happened). I closed my eyes, bent over, and recaptured the lost bottle. 

Nothing happened. 

Half shocked and half disappointed I returned my selected showerhead. Then it hit me. The shower is probably the safest place to expose one’s bunghole to the open air. For those of you who have had sex with a female in the shower you know that water is a terrible lubricant. Being wet from the shower would almost form some sort of Star Wars-worthy force field around the area of concern. At the same time, however, you (and more importantly your waist) would be much too slippery a target to grab onto. Finally, being the shooter in an unwanted game of bum darts HAS to be somewhat embarrassing in front of so many witnesses and probably dangerous around authority figures such as prison guards. We should have learned from The Shawshank Redemption that somewhere dry and subtle, like a janitor’s closet, is a much more dangerous place to drop something naked around sexual deprived or homosexual individuals. Sometime, long ago, the actual quote must have been along the lines of “don’t drop your knife when seven dudes are trying to do you.” Broken telephone isn’t such a fun game now, is it?

Outside the shower lay the dangers of wet towel fights and credit card scenarios (although I admit these have occurred in the shower as well). So I say – drop the soap. Kick it around a few times. Pass it to a buddy. Enjoy it. Don’t spend the extra eighteen cents on a rope (a hundred of which costs you a bottle of Brava). My only fear is that there are far too many of these quotes in the English language that will forever limit our fun times without any real threat to us- like dropping the soap during shower time.