Clap for the President

Due to popular demand, our friend Mike Giorgi is back; and this time he's going historical on your ass. Enjoy his inquisitive look into Sunday night television and Julius Caeser, the inventor of a famous drink and fruity haircut.

Late night television on Sundays is brutal. Or so I thought.

Judging by the level of boredom I was experiencing it was probably close to 3am and I had already watched the TSN highlights at least twice all the way through. So, like any good insomniac, I went to the channel that never disappoints; Discovery. Now it is important not to take me the wrong way here. Normally, this would lead to a number of things which would include, but not be limited to, the following:

1) Hours of fun.
2) An empty bag of Ruffles All Dressed chips.
3) A lot of sweat on my face/mustache.
4) A slight increase in body fat.
5) Sock removal.

It was not to be, however, under the severe circumstances I am about to explain to you. As the “Can Screaming Break Glass?” repeat episode of Myth Busters came to a conclusion, Discovery channel revealed what was in store for me next- Ants: High Definition. Again, under normal circumstances, this would be ideal for my situation. It is the sad truth, however, that I have already seen this program at least three times and have started feeling sorry for the termites who, despite having wings, always manage to get pwn3d by the fearsome ants.

Now, ladies and gentleman, this desperate situation called for a maneuver I like to refer to as “going back to the well” and I was just hoping it wasn’t dry. The well happened to come in the form of the history channel, and what I found deep within its depths was a little gem called “Ancients Behaving Badly.”

I assure you there is absolutely no words lost on the title, apparently, as the show simply chooses a famous leader or personality from the past and then Perez Hiltons the shit out of them, ancient styles.
Why the hell not? Am I right?!

This particular episode was about the great Julius Caesar, a personal favourite, which actually made me slightly worried that the show would taint the image I have of him thus far. I was way off. At this point, if you’re not wondering where I’m actually going with this story you’re either fascinated by somewhat large words strung together into relatively cohesive sentences or you’re thinking of checking out this television series and appreciate the review.

Truth is, my point is vague and unimpressive and this should not come as a shock to any of you. I’m basically only interested in pointing out how much things have changed since the time of my beloved Julius – a conclusion I’m sure all of you could and would have made on your own.

The first story the episode examined was about Julius being captured by pirates and held for ransom. Julius warned them that if the ransom was paid and he was set free he would return and murder them all. He suggested it would be smarter to kill him (toughest guy, ever). They laughed at this pretty little Roman teenager and sent him on his way. Julius returned to Rome, raised a private army, returned to the island run by pirates, and crucified every last one of them.

Now with all the modern problems with the pirates in Somalia, let’s picture Obama sending in the Navy Seals to nail everyone suspected of piracy onto ten foot wooden crosses. There would be trouble from every possible source. The United Nations would literally shit everywhere. Protests from people of Somalian and other African nationalities would be rampant. The Republican Party would have a field day and McCain wouldn’t even need Viagra to fire up a hard-on to rail Palin. This last point, interestingly enough, leads me to the next (and for the purpose of saving you from boredom) and final story.

Julius was not unlike the Peter North of the classical Roman time period. This guy relished the opportunity to “Superman” more than his fair share of “hoes.” The main difference, however, was that unlike Peter North, Julius did not indulge in the wholesome, take-home-to-mother kind of girls of the pornographic world but instead with the wives of senators, consuls, generals and tribunes. To make things worse (or better depending on your view of this story) Caesar babe had at some point during his teenage years contracted the clap from one of his nice young companions. Not only was there no magical pill to get rid of this issue at this point in time, but the dangerous effects it can have on women when left undetected were virtually unknown and Julius was spreading it at an alarming rate to trophy wives of very important Roman men. The craziest part is the Romans knew about it, maybe not about the clap but the excessive adultery, and loved him even more for it. Are you shitting me, Romans?

Let’s flash back to 1998 shall we? Bill Clinton, who by all means was a very good president for the United States of America, becomes only the second president ever to be impeached because he let a 22 year old intern choke on it for a couple minutes. He was 53. Regardless of your point of view, we know this much; Caesar would have gave him a high five. I’m not encouraging cheating on your wife of twenty years just for a sloppy oval office gummer but, at the same time, the United States replaced him with George Bush. Figure it out, USA.

What I’m saying is that we need to learn not to sweat the small shit anymore. I’m not sure at which point this happened but I’m positive I could find a way to blame the United States. We should have more guys with funny accents getting blowjobs behind out government desks. These mistakes make them humans; it’s time to celebrate their humanity. At least we can relate to those who “lead” us. Yes, I’m also saying the next time a group of pirates hijack a French Cruise ship we should pay the ransom then follow them home and execute every last one of them. KIDDING. But seriously, pirates didn’t bother Caesar again. So if you need the conclusion spelt out for you than here it is- Next time you’re up late on a Sunday night channel surfing, stick with Ants: High Def.